Agar maa ka doodh piya hai to..

A very random title, I'm sure most will agree; but bear with me as I shoot off onto yet another one of my tangents: you might just derive some entertainment out of it. So yes, I was saying, "Agar maa ka doodh piya hai to.." What could someone (typically the hindi movie bash 'em up types hero with a very "I'm violently anti-evil and I'm going to mop the floor with you because you commited *atrocity of your choice here* against my family member(s)" attitude) be thinking when they utter that particular taunt? Is it aimed at bringing to the surface submerged pre-memories of the person being challenged of sucking at his/(and sometimes, very rarely) her mother's teats? Is it supposed to evoke a reaction something along the lines of "You bastard, how could you? That's disgusting! You made me remember... -that-! AARRGGHH! NOW I SHALL HAVE TO ATTEMPT TO KILL YOU (but ultimately die trying, because lets face it, when's the last time the villain killed the hero in a Bollywood flick?)!" Or is the root of it (and forgive me for thinking that this might actually be the truth, but Occam's razor and all that..) actually buried deep under some infinitely more primitive and altogether primal remnant of the tribal roots of society? From back when we'd just climbed off trees, started walking and were just about getting our act together? I certainly do think so. As a primitive culture we mightn't give the early humans too much credit when it came to attempting to come up with a scientifically plausible explanation for natural phenomenon; I mean, a god for rain, another for fire... Come to think of it, without any knowledge of mechanics, electrodynamics, relativity, biology, medicine and a whole lot of other sciences (that we've just about started figuring out in the past five hundred years or so, mind you), it seems quite credible that the early humans did manage to come up with something inventive and at the same time plausible for the times and didn't just curl up into the foetal position with an immense sense of dispair and give up on life. Yes, so, the early humans were just that: humans. So they were smart; at least as smart as Bush... actually come to think of it, they must've been -much- smarter than him. We're here, or haven't you noticed? They were inquisitive and observant ("Where on earth is he going with this?" Stick with me, I'm almost there now). Observant enough to notice the positive effects of mother's milk. Don't believe me? Look here:

... (breast milk) is available at a correct temperature for the baby's needs. It contains anti-infective factors which shield the baby from external infections. It contains what controls viral and bacterial infections in the baby's initial months.

... The calorific value of breast milk is 70 per 100ml of milk and this fully meets the requirements of the infant.

... Lactoferrin, a protein in breast milk, provides considerable protection against intestinal and respiratory infections.

So maybe, just maybe, the root of that most entertaining of Bollywood affronts lies in the fact that early societies might've noticed the positive effects of breast milk. Then, as today, drinking the mother's milk went a long way, in the early days of life, in ensuring survival. Surely of some credit, that, in an age when survival of the fittest was the norm? Of all the individuals that were healthy, productive members of the tribe, surely quite a few of them had in fact been breast-fed? In a world still governed more by the will to survive rather than the will to thrive, wouldn't then having being breast-fed been an affirmation of fitness? So what's stopping me from making that last crucial connection? Well nothing, really. So there you have it. An exercise in mental masturbation that plausibly puts forth the root of that great Bollywood gauntlet throw: Agar maa ka doodh piya hai to ("Fucking 'ell, was that the point of all this?" Well, not quite. Read on, I urge you, for just a few sentences more. The end is almost in sight)..

I have noticed that "Agar maa ka doodh piya hai to.." can be completely replaced with "Agar mard hai to.." without losing any of the intensity of the celluloid moment. Does it strike anyone else as strange the implication that not having been breast-fed is a direct affront to your 'mardangi', your manhood? Yah-boo, sucks poo to all the male chauvanism in the world. Sorry to burst your insecurity fuelled bubble, but women can be right too, you know? Too often, as I keep learning with compounding age ("So what -exactly- was the point of all this?" I'm feeling OLD goddamnit!).

Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

**A Warning to the wary: There Be Spoilers Here**

Papyrus beats celluloid. Everytime. Take for example the Wachowski brothers' latest offering: V for Vendetta. Or would Wachowski siblings be more appropriate now? But I digress. So, as I was saying, V for Vendetta. Alan Moore's original concept, I thought, was quite novel. An elaborate game of 'lets pretend'. Lets pretend that a small nuclear war has destroyed what once used to be the Big Two, namely America and the USSR. Now let us pretend that Britain falls into chaos and a brutal fascist party called Norsefire with a decidedly anti-non-white agenda. And now let us pretend that a half-crazed escapee from a detention camp (a la Auschwitz) who also happens to be the subject of some government sponsored experiment goes on a bloody vendetta against the government. Nothing amiss here. After all, Moore was doubly blessed with a large detritus of real events to draw from: The cold war was all the rage in politcal circles of the time and the memory of Nazi Germany was fresher in the minds of his generation than ours. Albeit, his understanding of the repurcussions of a nuclear war , however small was slightly naive, it can be forgiven, if only because it helps set a good scene for the story.

Whereupon I must admonish the siblings for their first mistake. It seems senseless to me that they omitted references to "those filthy arabs, asians, and blacks" due to, what to me seems to be a misguided sense of political correctness, when making a movie essentially about a man to tires to justify terrorism as a means to an end. Especially in a post 9/11 world (I know, I know, we mightn't take it all that seriously, but the Americans are quite anal about it, still).

How the Norsefire came to power in not something Moore touches upon. But the siblings Wachowski seem to have gone on a tangent all of their own to try and justify V's hate for and rage against the government. Some longwinded cockamamie story about a virus that Norsefire released into the general public then seemingly miraculously stumbled upon the cure for. In line, perhaps, with the party's motto: Strenth through Unity. Unity through Faith. But I must ask, why you sodden buffons, why? Why waste precious screen time in telling a concocted story that, at least to me seemed quite unnecessary? Historically, fascist governments have been evil and self-serving. I don't think it takes a genius to take it as a given that Norsefire should be any different. Or did you intend this to be a Disney movie, with every step, every motive explained in detail? Why waste time on justifying something obvious, time that could've been used to stay truer to the story?

Not all their tangents are unwelcome though. Stephen Fry's character for example; though he shares not much more than the name with the original character, his part was well written, and not entirely out of place.

One last criticism: why must every hollywood flick have a love angle? "I love you Evey." Come on! That's just not done.

But apart from that, as a standalone I think audiences that haven't or aren't going to read Moore's masterpiece are going to be quite satified. Though I have heard it being said that the dominoes were a bit much, I rather thought they added a little something to V's character. Apart from being quite visually stunning that is. So hats off to James McTeigue for directing a visual treat and to some extent to the Wachowski siblings for not completely butchering the original, V for Vendetta.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason,
Should ever be forgot...